Blah.

So I'm going through a bit of a dip right now. Not loving it. But it is what it is. Been struggling all month, getting weepy, feeling listless and uninterested in the things I'm normally into. Classic depression. And we have a winner!

There are many reasons for this: both of my kids are teenagers now, and that feels like a big deal to me. My daughter turning thirteen seems particularly fraught with intensity for me.  (She claims nothing has changed, and, frankly, she's mostly right.) She has so many times told me that she does not want to grow up. And still, she persists in doing so. She is amazing, and I'm proud of her. I'm also proud of my fifteen-year-old boy, who still shows me affection in public. I'm lucky.

I know it's the natural order of things for your children to grow up, launch into the world, and hopefully be happy, healthy, independent and true to themselves. That's all anyone can ask or hope.

But I've spent so much time with these lovely people, and the idea of them leaving the nest fills me with a sadness I can't deny. I hear empty-nesters saying that they are finally able to go on trips, do their own thing, be spontaneous, so much freedom, but that doesn't appeal to me. I love hanging out with my kids, hearing their stories, singing and dancing with them, comforting and listening to them, appreciating them. But I am trying to build myself a little world where I do things outside of my house and family. I'll need it when we're empty-nesters. Isolation really does make you sicker.

There's also the delightful perimenopausal factor. I basically menstruate 3/4 of the time now. Seriously?! So I know my feelings are all over the map because of the massive and wildly changing hormones coursing through my system. It's wonderful being a woman!

Then, of course, there's the usual mental health issues I have: depression is just part of my life. It's part of so many people's lives. I was listening to Krista Tippett (best radio name EVER) on her podcast, On Being, and she was talking to people about how depression is an issue related to the soul. That it's a crisis, it's soul-crushing. And that it's so very lonely. Even when you are surrounded by good people you love and who love you. In this episode, she talks to people who mention that when they're depressed and someone says "Cheer up, go outside, it's beautiful out!" or "Look how great your life is, how can you be depressed?", it only makes them MORE depressed. And guilty. Because then they feel like a failure on top of the depression they already can't shake. I can totally relate to that.

Trust me, if we could shake it off, we would have done that a long time ago. It's not fun to be joyless. It's not fun to be exhausted. The podcast also talked about how tiring depression is. Periodically, throughout my life, I've found myself reduced to tears, repeating, "I'm so fucking tired of trying all the time". I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

When I feel like this, and my cycle is downward, I just try to stay afloat as best as I can. I keep exercising even though it's like moving through cold molasses in January. I meditate even though my mind never ceases to wander. I eat, I eat, and I eat. I don't seem to not eat. But my tastes change. I find certain things repulsive when I'm depressed. I end up eating a lot of cereal. But I supplement it with all kinds of good shit, so it's not so bad, really. And I definitely love me some dessert when I feel bad. Nothing like eating your feelings.

I also watch a lot of streaming TV or movies, because I want to lose myself in someone else's reality. But I have to be careful that it isn't too depressing, and honestly, when you're depressed, most things are depressing. Death, divorce, guns everywhere the eye can see, post-apocalyptic scenarios and cyber-dramas and dysfunction. Gray-colored glasses. And kooky comedies come off as glib and superficial. What I'm really loving is "Broad City." So crass, so funny, so satirical yet genuine.

And I read about depression. It makes me feel more normal and less alone.

So, there it is.

FYI, NEVER say "Hang in there" to a depressed person. Think of the image it conjures. Keep imagining that. See why you shouldn't say it? Thank you.

One foot in front of the other. That's my motto right now. Or, as Dory from "Finding Nemo" says, "just keep swimming."